The Longest 5 Days of My Life.

Coping and Grieving is different for everyone, I understand the concept of what it is but to feel it is quite another. This week has been most likely the longest 5 days of my life.

I think this has hit me so hard is because I've never felt so powerless. From the moment I realized Beethoven was ill I went to seek help and he felt better, all of the chemotherapy was going so well, he was doing so well... and the last week of chemo came and I remember heading to the vet with him in a positive mood, hoping to finish his last week of therapy and not have to go through the side-effects. As with the past 4 months he went through his weekly treatment, slightly tired a day afterwards but a happy dog. That moment when he takes his blood test and we walk in to see the doctor... and I knew when I saw his expression. My heart sank, I'm not sure I have ever taken a dive from positive to negative in my life...

A part of me screamed out inside... Why? And a part of me knew this was very much a possibility. I'm generally one to side with logic in an almost Spock-like manner but this feeling of loss (in which I have felt before) was so sudden. I knew I had only so much time left with my friend and I was torn apart inside but wanted to be positive and be there for Beethoven in his last walk of life. As much of it was a celebration of his life, it was also a shit feeling, there is no other way of describing it.

I tell myself, what more could I have done? Why couldn't I help? I guess the normal stage of grieving... I accept that when he went to sleep that it was 100% the right choice, the selfish part of me said no, let him be with us longer, but I knew he was struggling and although he was trying so hard, I did not want him to be in so much pain.

So 5 days later I am sitting here. I still think about him, I dreamed about him. I remember waking up one day hearing his bark downstairs and for that brief moment I had genuinely thought he had returned, that rush of happiness if only for a few seconds, I savored and realized that perhaps he is still with us in spirit. And the song I dedicate to all of my pets "To Where You Are" and the chorus in the lyrics:

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
- was answered. And perhaps he is looking down on us, barking to tell us he is there.

I will never forget his little signature jogging/tail-wagging/butt-twerking run he does when he is overwhelmed with joy, and he turns back to look at us with a smile. This I will keep with me for the rest of my life because I have never seen any thing more joyous then his little burst of energy.

And to that I think I can seek my own closure with Beethoven... Timothy has gotten better also and we went on walks like old times, doing enough playing and walking to cover Beethoven's part and right now that's more than I can ask for.

Oct. 4th. RIP Beethoven.

Just over 24 hours have past since Beethoven went into his last nap.

The decision to put him to peace was not as hard as it might seem to me and my family now... But it was the right decision.

I've never felt so torn between sadness and happiness when thinking of Beethoven. As a whole happiness overwhelms 99.9% of the time with Beethoven.

If it takes this 0.1% of the time of being sad to have gained all of this happiness, I would do it all again, over and over, and over again...

Beethoven. We had a good run. Others may not know what kind of relationship we had, everyone has a pet, everyone loses their pet one day... but to me, to us, we were family and it was a tremendous ride.

From meeting you when you were just a few weeks old, to journeying through life, mine and yours these past 10 years. I have never had so much joy when spending time with you and Timothy, going for walks, swimming in the ocean, meeting new people and riding the car everywhere...

The last 24 hours has been hard, but our last 10 years has been truly awesome and amazing. I am a better person because you were there for me and I know you still are now...

You've returned home now... perhaps in an Urn, perhaps a bit cramped in there... being a 46kg Golden Retriever... But there is no place like home right? I will still check up with you every day, Timothy will be there, I will be there, mom and dad will be there for you always.

Entry #2

Beethoven is showing signs of slowing down these past few days. His treatment to help his quality of life comes with a few side effects, panting, thirst, hunger.

His spirits is still high and he still has energy to play for a while... A part of me wants to know if he is in pain, and a part of me wishes I did not know...

It's true I can tell how my pets feel through their behaviour and anyone who has had a close relationship with animals would probably tell you the same. I think I'm more ready than my previous entry of his fate. However that feeling of sadness looms over me everyday.

I know Beethoven knows we are his pact and will be with him until the very end. It pains me very much to see how such a loyal, kind and loving dog has to suffer that way he is, as do anyone who suffers from cancer, it is a tragic thing indeed.

I really wish we s humans knew if there was something past this life. In my heart I feel like I am certain there is, and that one day I will see everyone I've cared for again. At least... that is what I tell myself...

Beethoven has lived a very fulfilling life after doing a bit of reflection on the past. I've grown up from High School through University and Postgraduate school through programming school and all the different jobs and experiences I've had throughout these last 10 years. He has essentially been through with me throughout my adult life.

Perhaps I will repeat certain feelings I have from my first entry... But I guess this is my way of preparing for the future.

My heart pains because I see that he is still happy, despite his situation. Perhaps he does not really know what is wrong either. To him, maybe he also understands he is going into his final walk in life. But in the present, he is toiling just a bit, and I find myself reminding it was inevitable. He is still happy, happy to see me, whenever I go to check up on him. He wags his tail, and he enjoys me being around him.

For the moment, I will try to keep my spirits up. And I'll be going to check up on Beethoven. Hopefully he will be as expressive as he normally is.

I guess I'll end my rant here, its always nice sending a message into nothingness....

To Beethoven, my brother, my friend, my family.

Some say that Life is about being the best that you can be. Some say that it is about being with good people, to be a good person and strive for the best…

Some will say that you will have no meaning and no impact, and they will say it and when they do… Make sure you have your priorities set right in your mind.

I personally do not think there is one particular way people should live. Your life is in your own hands. So take it and strive to what you want to be.

At the moment when I am writing this message I am telling myself that I should not take family and those who care for you for granted.

At this very moment a member of my family is battling against cancer. My dog and my brother, Beethoven. When I first got Beethoven and Timothy they were 3 month old puppies. At that time in my life I had a childhood friend in another Dog called Tessa, I was 15 and I believe she was 15 when she passed. I still remember the last night. She was in pain and I was a child, I remember being angry that she was crying out and I was unable to sleep. I knew she was in pain and yet I still felt annoyed, and for that I have never forgiven myself. Tessa has always been and always will be my friend. She lives in my memories and I hope she knew that we cared for her, that I cared for her until the very end.

To Beethoven, you have grown up with me in another part of my life, my life in Hong Kong. I have seen you grow up from a puppy, to an adult, to now at the age of almost 70 now… I told myself after Tessa, that I would be there and care for my family. I know that all my pets will one day go, as will all of us… but what matters is that journey we take together… and we took that ride Beethoven… and Timothy.

As you fight for your life I will also fight for my own. I will be there for you until that journey ends. As sad as I am right now knowing you are fighting cancer I know our time together is and has always been limited and know that I do love you very much. A part of me wishes that I could have done more and it pains me that I cannot. My heart, has been very heavy the last few days… yet as sad as I am currently, I know that without sadness there can be no happiness and together we had a lot of that. To our walks at night to going to the parks and beaches and growing up together. I have no regrets and I hope you know that too.

Some say when you pass on, you go to a better place and some say we fade into nothingness. That fear resides in all of us, that when it is our time we go to a place where no one knows and become nothing.. And ether.  I choose to believe that I will see my family once again. I fear death as much as I love my family. I guess one cannot exist without the other?

I know the sadness will remain with me for sometime, and I will remember you forever and I hope you do remember me. I know God will take care of us and you… and He will take you out on walks. I am a very sentimental guy, so when that time comes, whenever that is, months… hopefully years… Forgive me for crying. I will forever be grateful that we grew up together. To you Beethoven and with Timothy, we will keep you with us close to our hearts.