The Longest 5 Days of My Life.

Coping and Grieving is different for everyone, I understand the concept of what it is but to feel it is quite another. This week has been most likely the longest 5 days of my life.

I think this has hit me so hard is because I've never felt so powerless. From the moment I realized Beethoven was ill I went to seek help and he felt better, all of the chemotherapy was going so well, he was doing so well... and the last week of chemo came and I remember heading to the vet with him in a positive mood, hoping to finish his last week of therapy and not have to go through the side-effects. As with the past 4 months he went through his weekly treatment, slightly tired a day afterwards but a happy dog. That moment when he takes his blood test and we walk in to see the doctor... and I knew when I saw his expression. My heart sank, I'm not sure I have ever taken a dive from positive to negative in my life...

A part of me screamed out inside... Why? And a part of me knew this was very much a possibility. I'm generally one to side with logic in an almost Spock-like manner but this feeling of loss (in which I have felt before) was so sudden. I knew I had only so much time left with my friend and I was torn apart inside but wanted to be positive and be there for Beethoven in his last walk of life. As much of it was a celebration of his life, it was also a shit feeling, there is no other way of describing it.

I tell myself, what more could I have done? Why couldn't I help? I guess the normal stage of grieving... I accept that when he went to sleep that it was 100% the right choice, the selfish part of me said no, let him be with us longer, but I knew he was struggling and although he was trying so hard, I did not want him to be in so much pain.

So 5 days later I am sitting here. I still think about him, I dreamed about him. I remember waking up one day hearing his bark downstairs and for that brief moment I had genuinely thought he had returned, that rush of happiness if only for a few seconds, I savored and realized that perhaps he is still with us in spirit. And the song I dedicate to all of my pets "To Where You Are" and the chorus in the lyrics:

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
- was answered. And perhaps he is looking down on us, barking to tell us he is there.

I will never forget his little signature jogging/tail-wagging/butt-twerking run he does when he is overwhelmed with joy, and he turns back to look at us with a smile. This I will keep with me for the rest of my life because I have never seen any thing more joyous then his little burst of energy.

And to that I think I can seek my own closure with Beethoven... Timothy has gotten better also and we went on walks like old times, doing enough playing and walking to cover Beethoven's part and right now that's more than I can ask for.