Entry #2

Beethoven is showing signs of slowing down these past few days. His treatment to help his quality of life comes with a few side effects, panting, thirst, hunger.

His spirits is still high and he still has energy to play for a while... A part of me wants to know if he is in pain, and a part of me wishes I did not know...

It's true I can tell how my pets feel through their behaviour and anyone who has had a close relationship with animals would probably tell you the same. I think I'm more ready than my previous entry of his fate. However that feeling of sadness looms over me everyday.

I know Beethoven knows we are his pact and will be with him until the very end. It pains me very much to see how such a loyal, kind and loving dog has to suffer that way he is, as do anyone who suffers from cancer, it is a tragic thing indeed.

I really wish we s humans knew if there was something past this life. In my heart I feel like I am certain there is, and that one day I will see everyone I've cared for again. At least... that is what I tell myself...

Beethoven has lived a very fulfilling life after doing a bit of reflection on the past. I've grown up from High School through University and Postgraduate school through programming school and all the different jobs and experiences I've had throughout these last 10 years. He has essentially been through with me throughout my adult life.

Perhaps I will repeat certain feelings I have from my first entry... But I guess this is my way of preparing for the future.

My heart pains because I see that he is still happy, despite his situation. Perhaps he does not really know what is wrong either. To him, maybe he also understands he is going into his final walk in life. But in the present, he is toiling just a bit, and I find myself reminding it was inevitable. He is still happy, happy to see me, whenever I go to check up on him. He wags his tail, and he enjoys me being around him.

For the moment, I will try to keep my spirits up. And I'll be going to check up on Beethoven. Hopefully he will be as expressive as he normally is.

I guess I'll end my rant here, its always nice sending a message into nothingness....

To Beethoven, my brother, my friend, my family.

Some say that Life is about being the best that you can be. Some say that it is about being with good people, to be a good person and strive for the best…

Some will say that you will have no meaning and no impact, and they will say it and when they do… Make sure you have your priorities set right in your mind.

I personally do not think there is one particular way people should live. Your life is in your own hands. So take it and strive to what you want to be.

At the moment when I am writing this message I am telling myself that I should not take family and those who care for you for granted.

At this very moment a member of my family is battling against cancer. My dog and my brother, Beethoven. When I first got Beethoven and Timothy they were 3 month old puppies. At that time in my life I had a childhood friend in another Dog called Tessa, I was 15 and I believe she was 15 when she passed. I still remember the last night. She was in pain and I was a child, I remember being angry that she was crying out and I was unable to sleep. I knew she was in pain and yet I still felt annoyed, and for that I have never forgiven myself. Tessa has always been and always will be my friend. She lives in my memories and I hope she knew that we cared for her, that I cared for her until the very end.

To Beethoven, you have grown up with me in another part of my life, my life in Hong Kong. I have seen you grow up from a puppy, to an adult, to now at the age of almost 70 now… I told myself after Tessa, that I would be there and care for my family. I know that all my pets will one day go, as will all of us… but what matters is that journey we take together… and we took that ride Beethoven… and Timothy.

As you fight for your life I will also fight for my own. I will be there for you until that journey ends. As sad as I am right now knowing you are fighting cancer I know our time together is and has always been limited and know that I do love you very much. A part of me wishes that I could have done more and it pains me that I cannot. My heart, has been very heavy the last few days… yet as sad as I am currently, I know that without sadness there can be no happiness and together we had a lot of that. To our walks at night to going to the parks and beaches and growing up together. I have no regrets and I hope you know that too.

Some say when you pass on, you go to a better place and some say we fade into nothingness. That fear resides in all of us, that when it is our time we go to a place where no one knows and become nothing.. And ether.  I choose to believe that I will see my family once again. I fear death as much as I love my family. I guess one cannot exist without the other?

I know the sadness will remain with me for sometime, and I will remember you forever and I hope you do remember me. I know God will take care of us and you… and He will take you out on walks. I am a very sentimental guy, so when that time comes, whenever that is, months… hopefully years… Forgive me for crying. I will forever be grateful that we grew up together. To you Beethoven and with Timothy, we will keep you with us close to our hearts.